I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize