My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize