What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
