omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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