No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
