He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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