You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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