I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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