Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
