Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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