Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
