Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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