Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
