I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
