Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
