he wants to bone in the snuggie
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
