i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
