Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
