SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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