Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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