I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
