Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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