I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
