Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
