I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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