my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You made out with two different species that night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
