The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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