I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
