you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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