you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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