I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
