Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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