All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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