i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
