found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
