I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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