The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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