what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Is Oprah even human
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
