Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
