This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
