She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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