And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize