I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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