Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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