Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
