my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
please come you make the beer taste better
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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