he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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