Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
