is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
