yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
