Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Small penises have feelings too.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
