Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
