There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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