Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
