hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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