the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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