I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
