It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
