im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
