i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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