My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
